I came across a great (if a bit cynical) piece by Jim Friel on CNN.com today: http://www.cnn.com/2012/11/16/world/opinion-jim-friel-singledom/index.html?iref=obnetwork

Friel shares his frustration with constantly being asked why he is still single — a question he believes is ‘innately hostile’. He concludes that being single is an equally valid way of life to being coupled…and often preferred.

He is not denouncing marriage and family. But he is condemning the notion that he is somehow incomplete because he has chosen to be single. He is defending his way of life, just like so many couples tacitly defend theirs (“how are you still single?”…”you have no idea what life is until you become a parent”…and so forth).

My favorite line: “We don’t need stories of how to become couples. They are legion. We need stories about how to be single.”

In my first year out of college, when I was teaching, there was a much older teacher I came to respect a great deal. Charlie was in his early 60s, never married, and spent much of his younger years (30s and 40s) traveling the world. He brought a girlfriend to the Holiday party that year, but from what I heard he brought a different girlfriend each year. He was perpetually single, with no plans of marriage.

I can only imagine how many times in his 60+ years he had others ask him why he was single, what he was doing with his life, etc. This is a guy whose friends were not only mostly couples… many were grandparents.

The holiday season is upon us (and Valentines Day shortly thereafter) and many single people will find themselves dreading the inevitable ‘so are you seeing someone these days?’ conversation with Aunt Rose or Cousin Gina or whoever. We’ve all been there at some point, and it’s kind of a lousy feeling.

TruConnection is a dating site, of course, and my goal is for single people to meet and be happy together. I believe TruConnection members’ unique first impression of one another — photo and writing only — lends itself to more meaningful connections, and avoids the ‘shopping online’ mentality that is easy to adopt on other dating sites.

But there is something more I am after with this site, and it is difficult to articulate (but I’ll try): I think writing of ANY kind has a self-revelatory quality to it — it not only reveals to the reader, but also to the writer. When you add the wrinkle that other single people will read what you write, the dynamic changes a bit. The writing becomes more self-aware. A member can look back on his or her posts over a short period of time and grasp the ‘self’ they were perhaps trying to get across to others. This may lead them to reflect on themselves and their love life in a way they otherwise wouldn’t, and they might learn something about what they really want.

They might learn that a long term relationship is not what they are actually after. They might de-activate from this and all other dating sites and cherish their single life.

They are writing, thinking, reflecting, spending time alone not in front of a TV, not on a social network, not looking at photos of newlyweds and babies. But writing funny comments in the Discussion Forum, responding to the 5 Minute Write prompt, reading and commenting other single people’s writing. And I think this is so much healthier than other ways of meeting online.

TruConnection has over 500 members in Boston and NYC. Come try it out!

Mike

Check it out!

It’s been eight months since TruConnection beta launched, and it’s time for a new look. We have redesigned the public home page on the website (and currently redesigning the inside pages) without compromising any features or functionality.

The finished product — which will be live one week from today — is visually appealing without looking too dating site-ish, if you know what I mean.

The premise of TruConnection — that your photo + your writing is the best first impression when meeting online — is unique, and I wanted the site design to reflect that.

TruConnection is 100% free. Sign up now!

After talking to a lot of people about online dating, there’s one thing that everyone seems to have a slightly different opinion on— introductions. What should you say first to someone online? And how should you say it? Strategies that work well at the bar or party don’t really translate well to the online meeting place since, in most cases, you’re restricted to the written word to break the ice or convey interest in someone. Physical assets such as voice, tone, expression, and overall presence are left to your message recipient’s imagination (part of the excitement of online dating, but also one of its setbacks).

So what exactly do you say to someone who pops up in your ‘potential matches’ queue? More specifically, what one online dating pick-up line, for lack of a better term, could you employ that would yield the best results? Besides the obvious advice—don’t be lewd, mean, tasteless, etc.—everyone has varying opinions on what is most ideal to include in an intro message. Perhaps a subtle joke or a rhyming poem. Or a funny story about the weekend followed by casual questions or remarks. Or just a Hello and a nice compliment followed by a question or joke. Any of these bits would work but they all depend on content.  It’s an interesting study that becomes even more intricate when you consider every dating site has its own unique way in which they facilitate the meeting between two mates…

Part of the magic of TruConnection.com is that it minimizes the significance of online introductions. TruConnection’s premise is built around writing and self-expression. As a member, you are invited to write freely about anything, anytime, or participate in compelling discussions about topics chosen by fellow members. As the community grows and the discussion base multiplies, the process of actually introducing yourself to a girl or guy on TruConnection feels less artificial. In contrast to other dating sites, your presence on TruConnection is more than just a photo and list of mundane facts. Your steady involvement with the site (i.e. daily writing) results in a stunning assembly of expression and wit unique only to you. And when you introduce yourself to someone on TruConnection, the exchange is that much more believable, because you already have a context (much like in real life).

The Discussion Forum feature on TruConnection launched last week, and so far there have been some interesting and thought-provoking discussions posted. This is a great way for singles to interact and casually communicate with one another, and, just like on the main section of the site, they are sharing only their photo and their writing for others to see.

One of the threads turned into a discussion about appropriate first date conversations (What topics are taboo? What shouldn’t be asked on a first date?). As I read it, I thought about the dynamic of first date conversations in general — the anxiety, the awkwardness, the self-conscious nature of the conversation.

It seems the only cure is to make light of the awkwardness (“this is the part when you’re supposed to ask me about MY job, haha”). But that only works if your date has a sense of humor.

Mainstream dating sites attempt to alleviate this awkwardness by providing as much data about your date as possible prior to meeting, and thus giving you plenty of discussion topics — you will likely already know your date’s education, social habits, income range, what they like to do on weekends, and more. You can pepper them with questions about these things, and prepare to answer the same question in return. Before you know it, the entree has arrived.

There is nothing really wrong with the superficial nature of first date conversations…but it’s not exactly ideal, either. What if you didn’t have a list of of characteristics about your date that you could discuss? What if the only thing you knew about them was how they expressed themselves in words?

If I were on a first date, I would be curious to know more about her job. I would be interested to know about her education, her family, her friends. And I’m sure she would be curious to know the same about me.

But these are not the things I would REALLY care about. I want to know about HER…not just the things about her that are easy to talk about and socially acceptable. And I don’t think it’s asking too much, even on a first date.

What if, prior to meeting her, I read some of her posts and comments on the Discussion Forum and learned a bit about how she thinks? What if I read some funny things she wrote on the site, and got a feel for her sense of humor? What if she read mine?

When we sit down together on our first date, wouldn’t our conversation be a little less awkward?

TruConnection launched in Feb, and currently has just under 500 members in Boston, NYC, and Portland OR.

Since TruConnection launched in early February, users have had the ability to write or upload anything they like (in accordance with our Terms of Service), and have been given a daily writing prompt (i.e., What would a close friend say about you that an acquaintance would not?) to alleviate writer’s block. What a user writes — plus his/her photo — acts as a first impression.

In addition to this functionality, we are adding a new feature which will make it easier for users to write and communicate more casually: User-generated discussion forums.

Users will be able to:

- Create a discussion based on any topic (in accordance with TOS, of course) and comment on it

- Search forum to find a discussion on which to comment

- Reply to any comment

- View photo(s) of any commenter

- Send a private message to any commenter in any discussion

- Rate discussions, or comments made in any discussion

Discussion forums are everywhere on the internet, but rarely in a community of thoughtful and intelligent singles. TruConnection users will find that this feature will lead to lively discussion, debates, and opportunities to understand a bit more about a potential date prior to meeting in person.

This feature will go live on the site by Monday — possibly by the weekend if all goes right.

Please send any feedback to info@truconnection.com

TruConnection believes what your write/create is the best first impression when meeting online — that is, it’s a more telling first impression of your character and personality than detailed self-description and questionnaires.

If you’re a user, visited the site, or read this blog at all, you already know this. And hopefully you agree.

But there’s a peripheral benefit to this approach that I will attempt to articulate, because I’ve been thinking about it a lot since a few users recently brought it up to me: The idea that the writing itself is therapeutic, a form of mental release.

I’m not referring only to short stories, poems, creative non-fiction, or other types of literature. Consider Twitter updates, Facebook updates, the endless comment streams on news sites like CNN or video sites like Youtube, or personal blogs. In all cases, users are putting their thoughts on paper (so to speak) and receive nothing in return (except perhaps a comment or a ‘Like’).

Yes, there is a self-conscious and narcissistic element to some of this writing. But there’s something else to it, in my opinion; there is something the writer gets out of it beyond a simple ‘ReTweet’.

The act of writing itself, the act of having an independent thought and putting it to paper, is satisfying. How many times do we write something, and then immediately go back and re-read it? There’s a sense of gratification in this. We had something on our mind. We put it to paper. Now it is out there to be seen by others. It’s no longer only in our minds.

What does this have to do with an online dating site? If it’s true that what you write is a strong first impression of your character, and writing itself is therapeutic and gratifying, then what better place for singles than a place to write and meet others? What better way to meet like-minded singles than to put your thoughts to paper, reveal a bit your character and beliefs, and make a connection?

TruConnection will be rolling out a discussion forum feature, in addition to the current free-form writing structure and Daily 5 Minute Write prompt.

Keep an eye out for this over the next week.

Back in 2007, I lived in Portland Oregon for about six months. Looking back, it feels like it was much longer. It was a gorgeous place to live, even when it was raining (which is often in the winter). And everyone I met was intelligent, thoughtful, and generally pleasant to be around.

Beyond that, there was a palpable feeling of individuality, creativity, and energy in the air. I lived in a neighborhood called the Hawthorne District, and on every street sign and telephone pole was a flyer for a poetry reading, or a writers club, or a new band performing, or an upcoming comedy show, or a political rally. The neighborhood was alive, but it wasn’t just Hawthorne District. Downtown, where I worked, wasn’t much different. Even in its most commercial areas — which are impressive — there are streaks of imagination and uniqueness.

So the decision to open up TruConnection.com to singles in Portland, OR was a no-brainer, and one that I am excited about.

TruConnection’s tag line is “Meet People, Not Profiles.” More than any place I can think of, Portland is a place of real people. Detailed self-description and matching algorithms don’t work well to match singles in any city, but they are really out of place in Portland.

Your creativity. Your writing. Your thoughts. Your opinions. Your photo. These collectively are the best first impression when meeting online.

If you are single in Portland, I look forward to you becoming a member; I think you’ll find TruConnection.com to be a refreshing change in the world of online dating.

When I tell prospective members about the premise of TruConnection.com — the idea that what you write/create + your photo is the best first impression when meeting online — some have said, “but a lot of the mainstream sites have a place where you can write freely, too.”

That’s true — many sites have an ‘In my Own Words’ section or equivalent. The problem is, this is a static space where a member typically describes herself and what she is looking for. It’s part of a profile rarely modified by the member after it’s published, and while it can sometimes offer a glimpse into her personality, more often than not it is home to phrases like the ones below:

‘I love my family’

‘My friends mean the world to me’

‘I don’t play games’

‘I’m looking for someone who is fun, interesting, and close with his family’

‘I’m down to earth’

Little can be gleaned from these phrases, as they apply to almost everyone. To be fair, some users will use this space as a way to showcase their creativity or write humorously, and this does reveal a bit about who they are. But this is still merely a snapshot. And knowing they will be ‘judged’ on this one paragraph, members find it difficult not to write self-consciously (I know from experience…years ago on a site I recall spending an hour trying to be funny, and it probably came out awkward). Moreover, on most sites, this section is shown alongside a detailed profile of characteristics that likely trump the writing itself.

On TruConnection, the writing shared by a member on the site is not static; members are encouraged to write briefly each day about the listed topic, or about anything they like. They can also upload past writings, as well as art or photography.

If I join as a new member and come across someone I’m interested in, I can see a log of her past writings/uploads. I see more than a snapshot of her; I see what she chooses to share, I get to know her views on a number of topics, and I open a window into her personality without knowing everything about her.

And when we meet in person, I will learn the rest.

TruConnection.com launched 100 days ago in NYC and Boston, MA and currently has close to 400 members. We will be expanding into new cities in June.

A few years ago a girl I’d been dating texted me, saying never to text her again. Her exact message was something along the lines of, ‘Don’t ask me out with a text message ever again.’ At the time I was in my texting prime, sending and receiving hundreds per day. I remember being puzzled by this special request, especially since we’d already been texting and calling and meeting each other on short notice for several weeks. Hence my casual text, probably suggesting we get a drink or see a movie later that same night. Seemed appropriate enough. Or, worst case, undeserving of a timely reply. But her reply was instant, and her tone cold.

So I took an extra long look at that text from her, reading it again and again, and finally deleted it, along with her number. But she got me thinking about texting and dating and whether it really was tacky to go around asking girls out via text. ‘Who cares?’ I had always thought. We were living in wild cyber-times where anything would fly, it seemed. Why waste time wondering whether I should call, text, instant message, or write a letter? It all seemed OK as long as you made some kind of move, right? Wrong. Or maybe neither. Or maybe, without even knowing it, I was on the verge of something real exciting—Mobile Dating.

It dawned on me just the other day, while I was browsing a popular mobile dating site on my phone at a bar: It’s Spring 2012 already. 2009 seems like a whole other age, a darker age even, when texting and dating was second only to texting and driving in unacceptable behavior. But now, with mobile dating, that’s all you’re really doing—texting. I’m browsing profiles and reading status updates of local singles, messaging the ones who look promising, and marveling at the craziness of the whole interface. But the key is participating, seeing what works, and what doesn’t. With mobile dating, there are no real rules to adhere to, yet (aside from Don’t be a creep, Don’t be offensive), mostly because there’s only so much you can do within a chat window or a virtual gift shop. But it’s a thrilling new environment that, with the right tools and layout (and most importantly, member base), could be something special.

TruConnection.com already distinguishes itself from other sites by inviting more candid thought into the forum. Your profile isn’t static; other members get to know you based on what you write and share. So in the realm of mobile dating, TruConnection’s method of bringing singles together is a perfect fit.

Still in its early development stages, TruConnection Mobile isn’t simply an abbreviated form of TruConnection Desktop, but more of an extension. Its purpose ranges beyond a glorified text-messaging medium. TC Mobile is being designed with more real life practicality in mind, and I can’t wait to give it a try.

Derek@truconnection.com